Lately I’ve been stuck in a rut. I’m not happy at where I am in life right now. I feel lost, I feel hopeless, I feel like I have lost all control, I feel like I have no motivation whatsoever to change my situation. I know what I need to do to change my situation, but that change wouldn’t necessarily be an improvement, wouldn’t put me in a place where I want to be in life. And that in turns makes me hesitant to change my situation.
You see, I could finish my thesis, graduate, find a job in that field. But my heart is just not in my study. Why I picked this study you might ask? Well, because for one I love to study and I love and value education a lot. But there weren’t a lot of studies to choose from. So I picked the one that I thought would interest me the most. And even though I noticed somewhere along the line that I didn’t like what I had chosen, I couldn’t just throw away all the effort, all the time, all the energy that I had put into it. And even if I had just quit, I still wouldn’t know what I did like to do. So it was just better to stick with my first choice.
But then I ran across this quote:
If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.
Where does my mind go when it wanders? What do I think about most of the time? Well, several things since I love to daydream. But if I had to choose one thing, I would have to pick history, and then specifically genealogy. I have studied my family tree extensively. I just love getting to know all those people whose DNA I carry and who have literally made me who I am today. I can spend hours and hours going through old birth certificates and old newspapers, I love vintage photographs, old jewelery. I love the smell of “oldness”, if that is even a word.
But reality is, that there is such a thing as reality. Nobody is going to pay me to inhale oldness and to become acquainted with my ancestors. Maybe I’m pessimistic, but I just can’t afford a total career switch right now. My best option still is to drag myself through a study that I don’t like, apply for a job that probably won’t fulfill me but that I will try and make the best of. And hope that my life won’t be mediocre.