I was never one of those girls that dreamed about first kisses and future boyfriends, weddings and white fences. Actually, on second thought, scrap that. That’s not really true. I did dream and fantasize about all those things and more, but being the über realist that I am, I convinced myself that the likelihood of me going through life hopelessly alone was a lot greater than ugly duckling me winding up with the man of my dreams. And so I declared myself the queen of the land of the Jaded and hid in my impenetrable bastion where no one could reach me nor my deadbolt locked heart. I made “if you’re not pretty, you have to be smart” my mantra as I studied hard, adamant to make sure I’d had the best career possibilities in the future. There may have been a great chance that I was going to be hopelessly alone, but I was dead set on minimizing the risk of me also being hopelessly broke.
But I knew that I was lying to myself. I knew that through all the realism, pessimism, skepticism and men-ain’t-shit-ism that I did want that special “someone to give me the jacket when it’s cold” and to have “that young love even when we’re old” with.
And I still want that special someone, but alas… here I am still single. I recently saw this Youtube video where a vlogger described how she manifested her dreams into reality after reading “Write It Down, Make It Happen: Knowing What You Want And Getting It” by Henriette Anne Klauser. Inspired by the Youtuber’s story, I decided to write down my dreams as well in a blog post,…or two….or three. Hee, after keeping it all in, I’m letting it all out. Life is too short to not live your dreams. And there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to fulfill them either. So without further ado, the first series; everything I want in a husband and/or a relationship, written down for everybody in the Internet universe to see. I don’t exactly know how the method works in this instance, since you also need to work at making your dreams come true but can’t actually create a person. But hee, I wasn’t going to be skeptical.
First things first. I want him to be black. I don’t care where he’s from, but he needs to be black. He can be a black man from the Caribbean, directly from the African continent, wherever. But I want him to be black. Yes, I know that great men come in all colors. However, I want a great man in the color black. Being black, being of African descent is an important part of who I am. That color that we share represents a shared cultural history, identity and heritage. And yes, people of African descent are a very diverse group, so we wouldn’t necessarily share the exact same culture. However, I’ve found that overall black people are definitely more alike than different. I’ve always felt a certain energy, a spirit, that soul connection with black men. Something I’ve never felt with “other” men.
And I’ve been around “others” a lot. I’m originally from a country where there’s no lack of exposure to different cultures, different religions and different people. I feel very lucky to have been raised exposed to all those differences, and I have learned to respect all those differences. But even there, surrounded by all that difference, I always gravitated towards that sameness.
The urge for my partner to be black wasn’t as persistent then though. The feeling increased when I moved to here, a place where I’m surrounded by a sameness that isn’t mine. Some of the nicest and most patient people I’ve ever met, were the people here. However, being surrounded by all this whiteness has made me crave for blackness even more. I spent most of the day adapting, explaining, giving passes, educating. When I’m in the sanctity of my home, I don’t want to do that all over again. No, I want someone that just gets it. In this little space that I call my own, I want to unwind and be myself. I want a man who knows “myself”, because “myself” and “himself” are the same black self. I now know without a doubt that I want a black husband, one who, like me is proud of our heritage, our history, our culture.
I just now noticed that I’ve spent a great part of this post explaining something that’s the norm for most people. Most people want to marry someone from their own cultural background, and also actually wind up with someone from their own cultural background. They don’t have to explain why that is. It just is. Black love is under attack from different sides, but these days I’ve find an increasing amount of attacks coming from other black women. I’ve find myself not only explaining, but defending my choices on numerous occasions. “But why aren’t you dating out?”, “You’re limiting yourself!”, “You only like black men? I question your taste…!”. Ehm, excuse me…Stop policing me, as a black woman my actions are policed enough already. Stop questioning my dating choices, they have absolutely nothing to do with you. Do you, and I’m going to do me? Okay?! Luckily these interactions mainly take place online. I’ve yet to receive a “side eye” in real life because I choose to date only black men.
I don’t want just any black man of course. There are other characteristics I require in a partner besides him being black. I want him to be honest. I have a hard time trusting men, especially after my last relationship. A lie, how small that lie may be, would make me question everything he’d say or done up until that point. So he has to be someone that’s truly honest. Not just to me, but also honest to his family members, his colleagues, to everybody. I want him to have an honest profession or career. Devil’s advocates or corrupt politicians need not apply! I guess the better word to be used here is integrity. That’s it, I want a man of integrity. I want a good guy.
Not all educated people are necessarily intelligent, and not all intelligent people have a degree to show for it. However, I still want someone that’s both intelligent and has completed some kind of formal higher education. Nothing turns me on more than a man that’s able to educate me on things I didn’t know before. Geopolitical issues, historical facts, the economy, you name it. I want a man who, like me, is on a constant quest to get a better understanding of the world around us.
I want him to be able to make sound financial decisions. He doesn’t have to wealthy or rich,….ehum, not that I would necessarily mind of course. I want him to be able to make do with what we have in such away that we are still able to live comfortably. I’m very much a minimalist. As a person that goes by the saying “quality over quantity”, I own very little things and I don’t shop often. It’s 2015, and I don’t even own a smart phone! I don’t need a lot of material things to keep me happy. However, I do want to have enough finances to be able to splurge on those rare occasions that I do want to indulge in the little luxuries live has to offer. I don’t want to scrape pennies and live paycheck to paycheck. Part of building a live together as a couple is saving for our future and the future of our off- spring. I want a husband that can provide this lifestyle.
I want a man that sees me as his partner, as his equal. I want both of us to be involved in the decision making. I truly understand that it can’t be 50/50 all the time. I for instance know very little about stocks, bonds and investments and I wouldn’t have a problem with my spouse taking the lead in that part of the decision making process. However, like I said, involve me, tell me what’s the plan, be genuinely interested in what I have to say, respect my input and take it into account.
I’d prefer a man who doesn’t believe in traditional gender roles over a man that does. I don’t have a problem with doing those household chores that society has labeled as “feminine” chores. I like to cook. I can’t say that I like to clean but I’d rather do it myself, since I’m very particular in how I want things done. I’m also good at multitasking and running a household. With the exception of cooking, I’ve honestly never met a man who’s better at the “feminine” chores than me. But I don’t want the fact that I have a vagina dictate that I have to cook and clean. I’ll do that because I want to, not because I have to. I couldn’t build a life with a man that wasn’t able to perform simple household chores. To me that says that he’s not able to take care of himself, and that’s just not sexy. I’m not attracted to man-babies.
I’m not very religious. I do believe in something bigger than us, something bigger that’s responsible for it all. But I don’t believe in honoring that being through a set of rules, regulations and symbology. I’ve never seen a relationship between two people that are not on the same page in this aspect work, so I’d prefer for my significant other to also not be extremely religious.
Wow, I’ve already typed a long wall of text. But I’m not finished! What else is on the list? Well something very important, great physical and sexual chemistry. What differentiates a romantic relationship from other relationships is the presence of that click, that feeling that other writers have probably described a lotter better than I ever can. That feeling. I want it in my next relationship and in my marriage. I enjoy sex. I enjoy the intimacy and the pleasure it provides. Not just physically, but also the pleasure of being desired more than anything else in that moment in time. And just the feeling that, in that moment in time, nothing else matters. I’ve had sex before, but I’ve never really had great sex. My marriage will be one where I want to have great sex…, most of the time.
Because I want to have biological children, my partner also needs to want that. I want him to be an involved father, a hands on father.
I’m very much an introvert. In fact, I’m the most introverted person I know. He needs to understand what introversion is. he can be an introvert himself, but I’d prefer it if he wasn’t a bigger introvert than me. I’d fear we would never leave the house otherwise or we would never have any social interactions other than with each other.
And I don’t have a physical type. I’ve already stated that I want to be with a black man. I also find black men to be the most physically attractive. But I don’t really have a specific type. I don’t have any height requirements other than that he has to be taller than me or the same height. Since I’m not very tall, that still leaves me with a lot of options. But even that doesn’t matter as much when he has a great personality. No weight requirements other than that he needs to be a healthy weight. Not underweight, and also not overweight. So no, I don’t really have a specific type although I must note that the guys I did crush on usually had a “professional” look. And I put professional in quotations because I’m very much aware that what we label as “professional” or “accepted” is often very Eurocentric. You know what? I’m just going to say it. I don’t want him to have the look and style of so many of these modern trash rap artists. No tattoos in his face, unless it’s some ethnic tattoo or scarification. No gold teeth or grills. I don’t want him to look like “that”.
I think that’s it when it comes to relationships and a partner. If I think of something else, I’ll add to this post.
It’s sad but even while typing this anonymously on the Internet, I was censoring myself, second guessing myself, telling myself to be realistic or not to offend. And I didn’t even write anything outrageous. Black women are always told to make concessions when it comes to who they choose to date. They are thought to alter their expectations because that what we want is either not available, or not available to us.
Well, I want an educated, intelligent, not too religious, not too traditional, conscious black man with integrity who’s able to make sound financial decisions and with who I have great chemistry. That’s not too much to ask, right?